I cried at work today.Not because someone I loved died. Not because I made a mistake and was chided by management. Not because I had too much pepper at lunch and my eyes watered. I cried at work today because I officially gave up. I gave up trying to be optimistic, seeing the glass half full, trying to make lemonade out of lemons. I have reached the point of acceptance. Acceptance, that I am having a one-sided love affair with my job. I am the one doing all the giving and not getting anything in return. Everyday it just gets more and more oppressive. It is stifling and management’s favourite tool is a band-aid disguised as high-handed dictates. Cover the cut (no cleaning before hand) and then all your problems are solved. Not let us see what the problem is and try to fix it but cover the band-aid, let it stay and get dirty and icky and make the little itty bitty cut get infected. I have tried nonchalance, I have tried anger, I have tried optimism with no results. So now I am back on the nonchalance wagon for good.
For the past few weeks, I had been a bit amazed at just how big an industry career management/advising etc. is. Now I know why. It is because there are so many people who started out with nothing but good intentions that are now feeling as disenfranchised as I do. And in an attempt to not make the same mistake twice, before making the next leap, seek help from the “experts” on what job will be right for them, what company will be the best fit for them etc. and for all the tools to land them this perfect job once it has been identified.
I do not need an expert to tell me that I work best alone, have a problem with authority, have a short attention span, like things to be the way I want them (in fact it discombobulates me when things are not like I want them done. For example when the staff at Burger King just roll up the bag instead of folding it neatly it makes me angry), am more interested in coming up with ideas than executing them, that I like to create and that I need my work to have meaning. And that’s just off the top of my head. What I need is to figure out exactly what I want to do and make a plan to get there. As soon as I do I will let you know (unless it is something I need to patent first J). But in the mean time I will be okay with at a shitty job for big bucks (which does not describe my current one); one that will allow me to buy a 265 USD handbag whenever I have a bad day.
In the mean time, Hurricane Irene is headed for the Bahamas and I am supposed to travel there next Monday. I am hoping for the best as a concerned fellow citizen of the Earth who also lives in a country susceptible to hurricanes and other natural disasters and selfishly because I need the time away from work. So I am keeping my fingers crossed.