On getting older

I have been getting more emotional lately. Every other encounter almost brings me to tears. News of a new job or promotion, even comedies and just small everyday things elicit tears. I assumed it was old age. Something to do with being in my thirties. I “googled” and found an article that lay the blame at a number of factors including stress and not getting enough sleep. Although I suffered from those maladies, I was still not convinced. I still thought it was old age. Last week I was talking a friend about this “problem” and she told me she was going through the very same thing. Now I have empirical proof, it is old age. My inquisitive mind led me to another article that basically espouses the notion that we get more complex as we age. I am assuming that at least for my friend and I, this translates into us becoming crybabies.

Getting older is a very weird thing. I was not one of those children who could not wait to be a grown up. I had enough sense of foreboding to be ambivalent. Now I am all “grown up” and it is not at all like it seemed then that it was meant to be. I do not have all the answers, I am still not completely clear on what it is that I want be when I grow up, I am still childless, I am still finding my way.

Over the years I have changed not just on the exterior (I put on some pounds) but on the inside as well. There are all these campaigns that want you to love “your” body just the way it is and while they may have a place in someone else’s life, they don’t in mine. “My” body is not the body I have now. “My” body is the body I had at 21. I love that body and I want it back! I have been through these internal transformations, many without realizing it until I took stock and realized that I was not the same person I was last week. God and I have been through a lot. It has been a roller coaster ride. Everything is still not perfect and I have not had all the prayers answered but it is a process and I think I have pretty much accepted that now.

I have always been a loner. Yes I had friends in school but not many of those friendships were deep and meaningful enough to translate into adult friendships that have stood the test of time and distance. I am; however, eternally grateful for my small circle who have been there through a lot even if we do not see each other as often we would like. Adulthood has given me the opportunity to make some new friends, some after careful scrutiny to see if they measured up and others with whom friendship has been serendipitous affairs.

Every year I get pretty emotional close to my birthday (which is coming up). I obsess over goals not reached, targets not met, failures and mistakes and many times have a pity party. This year I think I am too exhausted to do any of those. For the last two years, celebrating my birthday has been atypical. I have been having a birthday blood drive and I will being doing it again this year. Each year I aim to get the equivalent of my age in pints of blood. If you are reading this and would like to be involved, see invitation below and you can also check out my event website here.

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Just in case you cannot make it to my blood drive on the Saturday, the National Blood Transfusion Service will be having “donor fest” at Emancipation Park on June 14 to celebrate World Blood Donor Day.

Igol Allen 20160608_114742

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One thought on “On getting older

  1. Girl, by the time you get to my age…you’ll (perhaps) pretty much let it go and just let it happen. Really good perspectives. Know that I wish you nothing but the best birthday ever, as you continue on this selfless journey. One day we’ll compare notes. Happy birthday to you my dear! *hugs*

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